The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Pants

I went snowshoeing on Saturday.
It was me, buddy Ian, the guy who I went to the dance with, a tiny blonde girl, and an Austrian girl.
As we all know, every Austrian is like unto Arnold Schwarzenegger. Wow, who knew that word was in spell check?
It was a fun time. We went for maybe a mile--the whole experience made me miss Minnesota a lot--and then from behind us we heard the Austrian girl say "You guys, she's freezing."
We all turned around to see the small blonde girl shivering violently.
Austrian girl assessed the situation authoritatively.
"Here," she said, "Take my pants."
And Austrian girl dropped her pants right there on the mountain in the 16 degree weather.
I told you. Arnold blood.
"No, seriously--" said the blonde girl, but she was really shaking and resistance was futile at this point because it had taken Austrian girl all of three seconds to get her pants off and offer them to blonde girl.
Blonde girl went behind a hill to do the pant exchange, Austrian girl began marching in circles to keep her legs warm, and the guys dutifully looked away. Actually one of them did, Ian didn't know any of this was going on. He was taking pictures of the mountain.
A few minutes passed.
"Do you need help?" I asked the hill nervously.
"Yes," came blonde girl's voice.
I snowshoed my way over. She was pretty miserable and having a lot of trouble what with the not being able to move her fingers and all. So I helped out, and she leaned on me. I was totally at a loss for what to do at this point, because she was kind of doing the fetal position into my shoulder, so I awkwardly put my arm around her and made really stupid jokes, like
Ha ha, I bet this isn't what you were expecting!
and
You can just put the wet clothes on my arm, I'm like...a dresser. The furniture, not like a career...a professional dresser...
So she was probably wishing she had someone else with her.
Once the pants were on, the guys returned (Ian had been brought up to date) and then the real clothing swap began. Her socks were wet, so she put on a pair of the guy's socks, her new Austrian pants were too big for her tiny blonde self so she wore my belt, she wore the Austrian girl's hoodie (over her coat), and another one of the guy's gloves.
It was a team effort.
So when we made our way back down the mountain it was me struggling to keep my beltless pants up, Austrian girl with no pants at all, tiny blonde girl looking like a hunchback with approx. eight hoods trapped under her outer hoodie, guy #1 hopping the whole way to keep his sockless feet out of the snow, and Ian taking pictures.