Portal Pocket

Last night, I was at the grocery store. I pulled out my cell phone to see what time it was, because the two highest priorities for my cell phone are to tell time and to operate as a flashlight when my roommate is asleep.
I returned the phone to my pocket.
Shortly thereafter, I felt something moving down my leg, inside of my pants. My immediate, panicky thought was that a snake had gotten into my pants, followed by the realization that this idea made no sense.
My phone fell out of my pant leg. Several other shoppers and I stared at it, all of us, I think, amicably surprised.
I checked for a hole in my pocket, and there isn't one. It really doesn't make sense that I would have stuck it in the waistband of my pants, because I was definitely aiming for my pocket and it is not in the immediate area of my waistband.
The only remaining option is that my pocket is a portal. I just wish it went somewhere cooler.

Conversations with the exchange student part II

Visited the fam this weekend. Here are some Mexican-American gems:

FES is coughing on some water, so my brother comes up behind to administer a fake Heimlich:
FES: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'm over here DYING and you want to play?!"

Playing Taboo:

Sister 1: "It's something that FES needs to come to America..."
FES: "Sombrero!"

Sister 1: "FES is familiar with this..."
FES: "Alcoholism!"

Sister 1: "FES likes this..."
FES: "Alcohol! Smoke! Cow poop!"

FES: "Hello, BYU pedophile!"
ME: "...What did you just call me?"
FES: "You know. BYU pedophile. Because BYU cougars. Cougars and pedophiles are ladies who like younger guys."

There's no way that mascot catches on.

Pretention Backfired

Yesterday a guy from one of my classes invited me over to his friend's apartment to play super smash bros. (I LOVE THAT GAME)
These guys are kind of witty snarky/rude...usually in a funny way...and so I was all like, "THREE can play this game of snark!"
There were these giant gaudy columns in his complex so I said "Awww dang, look at the Roman architecture you have in this place.."
You know. Being pretentious. Because obviously they were giant gaudy columns.
But then they were both like "Are you serious? 'Ooh, look at the Greco-Roman themes,' what do you do, research ancient architecture in your spare time?"
"No!" I said, "I meant it like, wow what a fancy place you got here--"
"SHE'S GOT MORE! Tell me more! Can you analyze these concrete steps?"

And they teased me about it for hours. HOURS. I don't even fully understand how they got to wherever they were.
LESSON LEARNED.

The Office

I like my coworkers. Here are some office quotes from today:


Male coworker 1: That story you wrote was awesome.
Female coworker 1: YOU'RE awesome!
Male coworker 1: Stop flirting with me.
Female coworker 1: I will. That was my only pickup line.

Female coworker 1: Hey, are we listening to AWOLnation?
Hipster coworker 1: Yeah. You know them? (pause) ...Are they popular now or something?

Male coworker 2: They're doing a physical attractiveness test in the hallway.
Married male coworker 3: You'd pass with flying colors. Ow owww!

Male coworker 2: I tried to draw the ugliest human being that I could and I ended up drawing Newt Gingrich.

Female coworker 2: What is on your desk?
Male coworker 2: My lunch.
Female coworker 2: That's not a lunch. You have doughnuts and corn nuts.

My boss actually overheard that one and came in saying "You need your vitamins. Here." Then she gave us all peppermint bark.

Major Trouble

I thought about apologizing for that pun but I'm not going to because it's too good.
heh heh
Puns aside, I have a really hard time remembering people's majors. But the thing is I don't REALIZE that I'm bad at remembering until it's too late. I think I know someone's major, but then it turns out my brain just chose some completely random field of study and gave it to my mouth for distribution before sending it through edits or common sense checker or anything. These have all happened within the past week or so:


ME: Oh yeah, because you're a law student.
DUDE: Actually, family and behavior science.

ME: You're majoring in psychology, you know this stuff.
GUY: I'm in dietetics.

ME: That's cool that you're both studying communication disorders.
COUPLE: Yeah, that'd be cool... I'm in environmental and developmental biology. And he's in theater.


There's absolutely no connection! It's a really, really weird phenomenon that I'm trying to understand.

Quiet Nerdiness

A bunch of people came over to our apartment to eat dinner tonight, but I was not feeling social. As such, I hung out in the kitchen, not contributing to the conversation.
The only time I did speak up was to jump into their ongoing conversation to explain why, according to Tolkien, the giant eagles couldn't have just flown Frodo and the ring to Mordor.
There was kind of a weird pause following my explanation. One girl asked "So are you like...a Lord of the Rings buff?"
"Um," I replied, "I read them in middle school..."
Soooooo that will be our guests' only impression of me.

Putting my Heart on the Line

There are these two guys who live in my apartment complex who are really ridiculously sweet and super quiet.
So I like to torment them as much as I can.
And I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course, because I think the meanest thing I have ever said to anyone was when Amanda Jarowski asked me if I liked her and I said "no" way back in the seventh grade.
But it would probably be better if you took my word for it and didn't check that story with my siblings.
Anyway, they are Johnny and Adam. I just enjoy doing things like grabbing Johnny's hand when he tries to high-five me and saying "we can't keep seeing each other in passing like this. I'll go mad," in a very serious voice.
They don't know me well enough/are too ridiculously sweet and quiet to laugh at me or give me disgusted looks or call my bluff.
Tonight, I went to Adam's apartment for dinner group. He had made these really freakin delicious south American things...papoosas?
Hmm, ok, I googled it and all I'm getting are pictures of native americans with babies strapped to their backs. It sounds something like that, anyway.
It's a homemade tortilla with beans and cheese inside it and you dip it in salsa. Also, he had made hot chocolate. Here is how our conversation went.

Me: Adam, these are really good.
Adam: (head bob, smile)
Me: Adam, you are my hero for making these.
Adam: (goes into the kitchen)
Me: Adam today was a long, hard day. I took a test and walked home in the cold February dark and came HERE, where I am eating these...these delicious things and using your mug for this fantastic hot chocolate. This is the greatest thing of my life.
Adam: (head bob, smile) I'm glad you liked it.
Me: Adam. Adam, no. That is an understatement. (Stare at Adam until he looks back. Chest pound with one fist) You are my hero. I want to hug you or date you right now.
Adam: (nervous smile)
Me: You are my hero FOREVER...okay. okay, bye. BYE ADAM, THANKS FOR DINNER.